1. |
Shadow Puppets
04:23
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We’re prepared to lose power
Every candle collected, tub full of water
Street siren, news anchor
goes silent, the basement
space beneath the staircase
is a playhouse and a stage
By the spotlight of the tallest burning wick,
She writes a plot line with her palms and fingers twisting
I give it a shot
But all that I got
Is a shadow so big, a shadow so wide
It’s a darkness I could fit my whole self inside
She says “just pull away, away from the flame
Now it’s a shape you can make with your hand
Just an owl coming to land
Just a monster you can understand”
I’ve a way with my words
And I use ‘em to run you into the woods
past the curve of our street
Jump the curb, in the weeds
find you curled beneath a dead tree
Say you hurt because of me
By the spotlight of a blazing August sun,
You write a plot line in my veins I can’t outrun
But I give it a shot
Give it all that I got
That shadow is big, that shadow is wide
It’s a darkness I could fit my whole self inside
But when I pull away, away from the flame
it’s a shape I can make with my hand
Just a woman sinking in sand
Just a monster I can understand
Just a broken commandment
A wooden spoon, a shaking hand
Just a kiss in the back of a car
Brand new Bible, steady arm
Just an addict playing the piano
And a kid praying up to the stars
As a mother looks at her shadows
And can’t understand who they are
That shadow is big, that shadow is wide
It’s a darkness that I fit my whole self inside
But if I pull away, away from the flame
They’re just shapes I can make with my hand
Owls coming to land
People sinking in sand
I can understand
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2. |
Chaotic Neutral
04:54
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I got some paint on the wall next to the bookcase
I was a kid, but hell if I didn't know to hide it with a white lie
I spilled red wine on a white shag rug one night
It was an Airbnb, and I tried everything, but the morning came and I had to leave
I think about that sometimes
when I close my eyes
but there is an angel,
her legs tangled up in mine
One kiss makes me consider it
Wreaking just a little bit of havoc
I can't handle that in practice
5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers,
self-prescribed for sabotage
But she's chaotic neutral
She says, "it's a part of you, so
what's a little paint on the wall,
a stain on the carpet is all
Don't think about it."
And I think about that
This college coach said when I felt turned on, to keep notes
I was a kid, but hell if I didn’t know to fight it, give a shy smile
He could have slipped a rubber band around my wrist
Still in his grip, but joke's on him, I kind of like the snap of it
I think about that sometimes
when I close my eyes
and there is a goddess
She says honesty is fine
One kiss makes me consider it
Wreaking just a little bit of havoc
I can't handle that in practice
5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers,
self-prescribed for sabotage
But she's chaotic neutral
She says, "it's a part of you, so
what's a little paint on the wall,
a stain on the carpet is all
Don't think about it."
And I think about that
I used to wish that she was mine
I think I miss her all the time
If I confess her,
we could make a mess or better
We could wreak a little bit of havoc
I could handle that with practice
5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers,
a little wine and holy water
She's chaotic neutral,
it's a part of you, so
what's a little paint on the wall,
a game in the hall,
a stain on the carpet is all
Don't think about it
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3. |
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I summon her with lilies
put some Kleenex in the pew
Close my eyes and hum Amazing Grace
I see her in the doorway
And it feels just like the truth
Come closer, come on cover me in gray
She starts to acquiesce
And wraps me in her dress
It’s so sweet
She gets a bit possessive
Should scare me half to death
But if it doesn’t break my heart
It wasn’t worth a thing
This is the art of feeling lonely
I tell her every story
I recite when I’m alone
She nods and gives that sad, confirming smile
It’s just like I predicted
I’m still hopeless, and she knows
We do this, we go through this every time
She opens up the casket
Says, “do you want it back?
Something easy”
I almost reattach
It scares me half to death
‘Cause if it doesn’t break my heart
It wasn’t worth a thing
This is the art of feeling lonely
Eulogize my happiness, process is out the door
Dear Lonely, you know me, we’ve been through this before
Sink it deep beneath the lilies, with the other lighter things
I’ll breathe out remembrance, I’ll breathe in you and me
When we’ve been here for decades
No one to understand
We’ll have no fewer days embracing
Than when we first began
If it doesn’t break my heart
It wasn’t worth a thing
This is the art of feeling lonely
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4. |
Good Man
04:37
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I got sick in the night when I was 5
And I never will forget it, when I opened up my eyes
My mom and my big brother were colliding in the hall
I didn’t know he ever heard me at all
That one Christmas, I was going on 18
A secondhand mandolin addressed to me, beneath the tree
We ran off to the piano room, you sat down at the keys
And said “it’s simple, loosen up, and follow me.”
You sang, “Feelin good on Sunday mornin’”
I said, “Sunday morning, that’s where god is
I don’t know how to do this.”
You said, “settle down, sis.”
“What if God is not the answer?
Feel that question like a dancer
Give that 2-5-1 another chance
That’s a good man.”
I’ve got this feeling I’ll be sober someday
If the behavior of my heritage is any indication
I was raised a willful woman; I’ll say no to things they couldn’t
In the future, I’ll be sober, I just know
And that birthday when I tried a coke and rum
You caught my eye and made a bottle with your fingers and your thumb
I know you know I got your signal, and I acted like I didn’t
And when you texted, I pretended not to get it
You sang, “Feelin’ good on Sunday morning”
I said, “Sunday morning, that’s where god is
I don’t know how to do this.”
You said, “settle down, sis.”
“What if God is not the answer?
Feel that question like a dancer
Give that 2-5-1 another chance
That’s a good man.”
I remind myself of you
When I am funny, when I’m smooth
But everybody else is telling me your word’s not worth a shit
And that scares me a little bit
Cuz I know God is not the answer
I spin a question like a dancer
Got that 2-5-1 in my hands
Feelin’ good on Sunday mornin’
And I don’t how to do this
But you say, “settle down, kid.”
“What if God is not the answer?
Feel that question like a dancer
Give that 2-5-1 another chance
Another chance
Another chance
That’s a good man.”
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5. |
How Are You
04:44
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How are you today?
How do you like your scrambled eggs and crepes?
Cross my arms and legs
I’m nodding like I hear a word you say
Teleporting now
A family dinner at my parents’ house
It’s a meatloaf day
Does anyone have something new to say?
How are you? How was school?
Nodding slow, her eyes glaze over
Is that all? Pass the salt
Too many plates in the air
Too many mouths to feed
Too many “how are yous” to lie to
Too many answers to believe
I cared when I asked
I didn’t hear the thing you answered back
Sorry I do that
Genetically, i think I move too fast
I’m a fool. How are you?
I won’t mindread this time
Is that it? Pass the chips
Too many plates in the air
Too many mouths to feed
Too many “how are yous” to lie to
Too many answers to believe
Too many closets to clean
The reason this nest is never empty
Grab every box with your name
Go through it again on every holiday
How come it all stays the same
How can it all stay the same?
Over eggs and crepes
I hear you ask “is everything okay?”
Sorry, I went away
How are you today?
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6. |
Reverie
03:07
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You have a way of saying names like
they’re for someone you love
You hold a gaze like a grudge
And a personal one
What I wouldn’t give to be a history book
You authored and memorized
A page, if you saw me,
you would recognize
There’s no reason
After one short look across the room
I’d even cross your mind again
But it sends me into reverie
Black and white in my mind
I’m light on my feet
There’s rain on your cheek
You try and untether me
Closeup by the streetlight
By the time that I
Come back to real life
You’re out of sight
What are the chances you would be here
In my coffee shop
What’s a cool way to ask you
If you come here a lot?
There’s no reason
After once sweet smile across the room
I’d even cross your mind again
But it sends me into reverie
Black and white in my mind
I’m light on my feet
There’s rain on your cheek
You try and untether me
Closeup by the streetlight
By the time that I
Come back to real life
You’re out of sight
I’m out of mind
There’s no reason
To believe that you would notice me
Or remember me
Enough
Enough
Enough to be my reverie
I’m weak at my knees
Your hand on my cheek
You try and untether me
kiss me under moonlight
By the time that I
Come back to real life
By the time that I
Open up my starry eyes
You’re out of sight
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7. |
Convents
03:39
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How did your bed get smaller
since the last time I stayed over?
Used to be room for the both of us
There with our knees intertwined,
could be yours or could be mine
There used to be nothing but the both of us
And you’d whisper in my ear,
“Let’s join a convent, cut class and get outta here.
Say that you would
It could be good.”
Turned up to my graduation
I let you drive me to the station
This is goodbye to the both of us
Opposite poles of a magnet
Had to break us like a habit
just to make space for the both of us
I took your hand in mine, and said,
“How bout that convent? We still got time.
Say that you would.
It could be good.”
Now it’s been a decade
Since I checked the wreckage
we promised to leave
far behind with our dreamin’
But ask if I miss you,
Just ask and I’ll twist into
something that fits
There never was room for the both of us
If you showed up at my door, and said,
“Let’s join a convent,”
I know that I would
And it wouldn’t be good
I know that I would
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8. |
The Joker
03:52
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Tried to dance the way you do
Make a fool before you think to dare me to
I fold my page into a plane
Fly a pickup line to you and watch your face
The point is, we all know it
You would never be with me
I tried it to be mean to me
so you would like it
I learned early that it hurts
To be outed, so I out myself first
So I control the narrative, stay ahead of it
If I am the joker, I can’t be the joke
If I plant it, I can’t be the seed
If my timing’s comedic, and everyone sees it
It’s funny ‘cause I pulled the strings
Nobody’s laughing at me
What’s it like to feel the ground?
When you’re walking, do you think about the sound?
Forget about it
How ‘bout putting on a shirt? Is it light against your skin?
Do you pretend in it and wonder if it’s working?
It’s just I learned early that it hurts
To be rumored, so I teach ‘em all the words
And I control the narrative, stay ahead of it
(Stay ahead of it)
What is it like to feel the world as it happens?
I can just imagine
From ahead of it
What is it like to lose your way in the magic?
I can just imagine
From ahead of it
If I am the joker, I can’t be the joke
If I plant it, I can’t be the seed
If my timing’s comedic, and everyone sees it
It’s funny ‘cause I pulled the strings
Nobody’s laughing at me
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9. |
Serial
04:45
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I put my hands above my head and follow everyone’s lead
In an arena full of Jesus freaks and followers-to-be
I hope they find the hope I hope to find by singing “I am free”
I feel a hand around my waist and he smiles at me
I kinda like it later when I feel that hand around my throat
I can tell he feels alive and he’s been wanting it, so
I’ll make his heart beat if it kills me, take this gospel on the road
I’ll sell a smile, say I bought it with my soul
I convince myself that everyone needs me
I get off on making somebody feel things
Hitch a ride in a set of good veins
Til another one draws me away
I put my hands above my head, confessed to everything
In this dream, they wouldn’t take me in, they let me go free
What do you think that it could mean that I refused to leave the lot?
You ask which part of me’s the killer, which part’s the cop
I convince myself that everyone needs me
I get off on making somebody feel things
Hitch a ride in a set of good veins
Til another one draws me away
It’s something serial, I can’t explain
I can’t just keep getting away
I can’t just keep getting away with it
It’s just I’m nothing if I am nobody’s type
Just give me some time to find out what you like
You look me square in the eye
You look so serious sometimes
You say, “does this feel alright? How does it feel this time?
How does it feel to be alive?”
How does it feel to be alive?
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10. |
Surgery
03:53
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Did a lot of yoga three years ago
Read a book for my inner untamed little girl
Found a podcast to laugh for no reason
And a doctor who knows all my demons
I’m coming back to my body
I don’t love it, yet, but dammit, I’m trying
Every mirror gets kinder to me
But I know, I know what I need
It’s not parts work, group therapy,
meditation, or reparenting
It’s surgery
One more whiskey for sleeping
We’re surviving on weak anesthesia
Put me under, I need the procedure
Something hard to make everything easier
We’ve done a lot of good work to make peace
But I know, I know what I need
It’s not patience, more family,
a vacation, a couples’ retreat
It’s surgery
Tried to be grateful, tried to be faithful
Tried to compare with a much dimmer fate
But the surgery’s set now, I wanna feel better
And I’m more myself without you
I’m coming back to my body
I don’t love it, yet, but dammit, I’m trying
I know, I know what I need
I know, I know what I need
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11. |
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College town post-halloween
twenty somethings remembering
They signed up to be something
Call your mom and tell her you’re flourishing
So many ways to hide yourself
Trade a costume in, pick another out
Just a holiday, just a major,
Just a dorm night out in some make up
I see you smiling on the corner by the Dunkin
You’re not having any fun, and honestly
Neither is anyone
You won’t believe me,
So I think it from the car
I know it seems so far
But it’s possible, whatever happens,
You’re gonna be alright
You’re gonna be alright
It’s possible, it’ll happen
You’re gonna wake up feeling better
It’s gonna feel better
It’s possible
Bedroom floor, 2008
Love the lord, your soul to save
Cry the sinner’s prayer out the window
See the crossing stars as a symbol
So many ways to hate yourself
Feel something good from the shoulders down
It’s morning grace, it’s addiction
It’s a transformation prescription
I see you pulling at the sweater on your shoulders
You’re acting so much older than you need to
No one told you that’s not freedom
You won’t hear me
But I’ll think it from the future
I’ll believe enough for you, so
it’s possible, whatever happens,
You’re gonna be alright
You’re gonna be alright
It’s possible, it’ll happen
You’re gonna wake up feeling better
It’s gonna feel better
It’s possible
You won’t believe it if I tell you now
Just entertain the possibility somehow
You’ll never see it coming
Never see it becoming this way
But someday you’ll wake up okay
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12. |
Forgiveness
02:24
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As your curtain falls
In a care home or big city hospital
If you haven’t given it yet to me
I’ll let you keep it all
Some people have a lot
Just slips through our fingers like salt and water
Out of his eyes as he strikes his daughter and his only son resembles his father
We give it away before hearing “I’m sorry”
Maybe yours was plundered and cursed
By somebody first who needed it worse
At the end, if you’re poor and I’m rich with this currency
I’ll be a socialist
As your curtain falls
And I study your hands in the hospital
I understand if you keep the rest
If you need whatever’s left
Some people have a lot
Just seeps through our chests like holy wine
At the end, if you’re poor and I’m rich and there’s time
I’ll give you some of mine
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Spencer LaJoye Denver, Colorado
Spencer LaJoye is an East Coast singer/songwriter from the Midwest making queer indie folk music for everyone. The 2021 Kerrville Songwriting Competition winner spins crystalline vocals through a loop pedal while strumming an acoustic guitar in charming, banter-heavy performances that keep audiences laughing one moment and weeping the next. ... more
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